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Now that I've completed the so-called "Kane List", I am entering a reflective phase of my summit chasing career. Other friends have also started completing summit lists. Between us we have stood on hundreds and hundreds of Canadian Rockies summits. Many people have congratulated me on this accomplishment and are wondering when the party is. If I'm 100% honest about it, I don't get this part of the experience. I don't think what I've done is an accomplishment that needs to be celebrated. Allow me to be blunt.

I am not proud of the fact that I completed the Kane list.

Let me explain.

First some background. When I first started climbing mountains I never even knew there was a 'list'. I just loved the views, loved the exercise and loved getting out with friends or the peace that comes with a solo trip on a beautiful summer day. When Dave Stephens and the RMBooks web board came to my attention I lost a little bit of that innocence. I believe it started fairly innocently but soon the atmosphere around the web board became quite competetive. Dave even started a spreadsheet to track everyone's progress on the list compared with eachother! If you know anything about Dave, he can turn any occasion into a competition - I think it's his American blood! :-) Since I'm of Dutch heritage, I stupidly agree to take on any challenge so I can't blame this all on Dave either. For about 4 years I still climbed mountains because I loved them, but also because I wanted to 'accomplish' something.

This was a mistake.

About 3 years ago I noticed that the mountains were becoming too much of a checklist for me. Don't misunderstand me! I still loved getting out and loved standing summits and hiking among the beautiful terrain but there was also a compulsion to be on a summit at every opportunity possible. For example, I would be in a bad mood if the weather was perfect for climbing and I was 'stuck' at home for the weekend. I have a young and beautiful family and to feel 'stuck' when home with them was not cool. It certainly caused tension. My wife went through a phase where she absolutely hated (and I mean really hated) mountains of any kind.

I adjusted my attitude at home and kept bagging peaks.

So why do I say that I am not proud of completing the Kane List? Let's examine this for a minute. Understand that I am talking about how I feel, personally. I am not trying to make judgements on how others feel about their accomplishments. This is a personal reflection and a personal conclusion.

If I am proud of something, it means it's something I think others should aspire to, or at the very least respect. Early on in my climbing career I would tell everyone about my mountain experiences. I soon realized that nobody really cared that much about it! It was disappointing. All that work. All that expense. All that passion - and nobody really cared! The only people that cared were fellow-climbers. My wife didn't care - half the time she hated me being gone. My family thought I was nuts and a bit immature - they didn't care. My nonclimber friends thought I was too obsessed - they didn't care. My fellow workers didn't care much either. After years and years of realizing that nobody else actually cared that much about my climbing I concluded that it didn't matter very much. This was hard for me to admit. All my peaks, all my hikes, all my effort didn't really matter in the 'grand scheme of life'. The planet and the people on it were not any better off because of all the time I'd spent going up and down chossy rock.

I think this is obvious - but many climbers forget it. I certainly did.

Climbing mountains has done wonderful things for me. It has helped me lose about 30 pounds and keep it off for a decade. It has kept me mentally in balance. It has helped me avoid depression. It has boosted my faith. It has given me perspective on life and provided me with an escape from the ho-hum of the office career I feel stuck in sometimes. It has provided me with friends. It has provided me with an art form that I love - photography. It has provided me with some very special moments and memories with friends, family and God.

In other words; when I climb mountains I am doing it mainly for myself.

This is the heart of why I can't be proud of climbing mountains. When I look at my life there are other things that I'm proud of;

• Family.
• Mission trips.
• Genorisity.
• Faith.
• Marriage.

The main difference between these things and climbing is that these things are not done for myself but involve others. It's so easy to live a life where you are center stage. That comes very natural to most of us. I can't be proud of something that is so easy to do. Doing things for others is not natural. Most of us do not make it a habit to help or think of others above ourselves (I'm included in this group btw).

So when I manage to rise above myself and think of someone else - that is something that I can truly celebrate. That is what satisfies me on a deeper level. I am proud of those moments.